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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28628073">crowds and puppets, dying in a fire</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennisonthesun/pseuds/tennisonthesun'>tennisonthesun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Light Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:02:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28628073</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tennisonthesun/pseuds/tennisonthesun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sam according to Dean could not be reconciled with the Boy with the Demon Blood. So I reevaluated.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester, Castiel &amp; Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>crowds and puppets, dying in a fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i tried not writing this in first person but my internal cas monologue said "no &lt;3"<br/>this is basically a short study on the sam and cas dynamic mainly from cas's point of view. i wrote this as a sastiel shipper but it's written as gen so it can go either way.<br/>this piece isn't. dean critical exactly, but i don't think he's a good friend to cas and that is reflected in this.<br/>this is also kind of a little love letter to sam because he is very dear to me.<br/>song title from "A Complete List of Fears Ages 5-28 (Aprox) by The Yellow Dress</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam Winchester is soft. Sam used to be made of sharp edges, but his core was always soft. He is interesting to observe because through the years his edges have been filed down and replaced with something kinder and wiser. I’m not sure if there’s a specific moment this change started to take place. Maybe it was sometime between the Leviathan and Cain his light had been snuffed out and replaced by a softer, quieter one. </p><p>When Sam and I were first introduced, Sam reeked of realized and wasted potential, disappointment, and most of all, anger. He had built these untouchable edges and defenses against everyone. Sam is one of the most complicated people I have ever met. At the time this bothered me because there were more important things to do than evaluate Sam Winchester’s feelings, but a small part of me still wished to understand. Unfortunately, while Sam was interesting, he was evil. He was an evil that needed to play his part in the Great Story and then be brushed aside, optimistically never to be heard from again. Sam was no more than an over-glorified tool in the universe’s design. I suppose I understood what that felt like.</p><p>When all was said and done, it turned out Sam was nothing like I had assumed. It was Dean who helped me realize this. People are often gentler when describing people who are not themselves, and when Dean’s anger finally simmered he gave me a better look at his little brother. Sam is not an abomination, Sam likes watching <em> Animaniacs </em> reruns and small town drive-through coffee stops. He likes jogging so he can watch the sunrise and he used to help Dean recreate scenes from <em> The Breakfast Club </em> when they were bored kids, waiting for days, sometimes weeks for any sign of John. The Sam according to Dean could not be reconciled with the Boy with the Demon Blood. So I reevaluated. </p><p>Eventually I realized that if Sam ever had an impure motive (which I highly doubt), it had punished and haunted him enough for several lifetimes. It wasn’t fair. Sure, Sam had chosen to lie and he had chosen to be with a demon, but this was years ago and he hadn’t just woken up one day and chosen evil. This result was unavoidable and the responsibility should never have been allowed to rest on Sam’s shoulders. I told Sam as such, and it must have been a look in my eye because during my attempt at comfort Sam had told me, “You know, it wasn’t your fault, either.”. This set me back on my heels because it certainly had been at least partially my fault. I had played a part in helping the wrong side during the Apocalypse and somewhere during the confusion had both lost and found myself. I lost that burden of duty and traded it out for the burden of knowing my entire life was a lie. I was a fraud to myself, a fraud to my family, maybe even a fraud to the Winchesters. One night while I was considering this, Sam brought me a cup of something hot and said, “We’re glad to have you with us, Cas.”. I don't know if he planned that, but my soul felt at peace for a little while.</p><p>Being wanted and being needed are two different things. My existence has always been a necessary evil in heaven, but I had no friends there. Being needed is isolating and I knew this more than anyone because when the angels called me “brother” it did not have the same warmth as when Sam and Dean said it to each other. It was a title versus a term of endearment. Heaven used people and then spat them out to pick up the pieces, and maybe that gave Sam and I common ground. </p><p>After the Apocalypse the Winchester’s practically took me in. Dean seemed to believe it was because of some misplaced sense of duty or maybe a strategic move, but Sam went out of his way to make sure I knew someone genuinely wanted me there. I don’t blame the Winchester’s for using me as they would use any weapon, but it was Sam who asked me personal questions and tried to involve me in discussions I was unsure I had any place in. They called me their friend when I hardly understood the meaning of the word. Unused to doing things in halves, I thought “friend” implied blind devotion, a sentiment Sam and Dean themselves had taught me.  It turned out “friend” was not just another title placed on me by another person in a place of authority. “Friend” was a gift that I had not earned, but was freely given to me nonetheless.</p><p>During the time I spent trying to figure myself out, Sam showed nothing but patience. There was no judgement for the horrors I had assisted with nor did Sam even bring up my initial judgement of his character. I grappled with wondering about my own moral compass and where I was supposed to be in the universe. I know now that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, but I will never forget that throughout this painful process Sam remained understanding and did not hold me to an impossible standard, as I began to understand, we both so often have been. </p><p>I would like to say I always learn from my mistakes, but my long list of errors did not cease after the Apocalypse. I made mistake after mistake, often at the expense of others' lives. I disregarded good advice and relied on myself, good people paying the price for my hubris. I was the one who broke Sam’s wall, and Sam managed to find it in his heart to forgive me. I wonder if I would have been as gracious if I were put in that situation. Sam didn’t bring up the many occasions I had been warned and chose to not hear anyone’s pleas, and I will always be grateful for that because I couldn’t bear another person shoving it in my face.</p><p>Pinpointing the moment I realized Sam was on my side is easy. The acknowledgment of feelings was new to me in the early days. It's difficult to process feelings when they have no name and you're unsure if you're even allowed to be feeling them. I don’t remember exactly what Dean said, but I remember it made me feel small and speechless. Sam had stood up for me and informed Dean that he had hurt my feelings. Sam was more comfortable acknowledging my feelings than I was, but I think he was also more comfortable putting value on them, value on me, than I was.</p><p>I have memory problems. I don’t sleep, but if I did these memory problems would surely keep me up at night. I have spent time sitting in hallways, wondering what atrocities I had committed without my knowledge. These gaps are terrifying but they, like everything else, are less terrifying when someone sits beside you. Sam's kindness extends beyond being forgiving and courageous. He is a good friend because he believes it is important for no one to feel alone. Sam found me one night when I thought everyone was sleeping. I was sitting in the hallway again, wondering what I had been doing before 2009, terrified when my memory was no help. Sam sat beside me, pushed my head until I was leaning on his shoulder, and I could swear he was mourning with me.</p><p>Going through life knowing you’re not right is hard. Sam and I both know this well. I shouldn't be here, I haven't earned my place, or there's something broken within me that can never be fixed. Sam seems to always know when it’s at its worst. He would hang an arm loosely around my shoulder while we discussed the most recent hunt and I would always feel the anxiety lighten a little bit. I realized somewhere that physical contact did not always need to be a fist. I like hugs and Sam is always more than ready to both give and receive them. Sam has had these feelings, too and when I pick up on this I try to be a comfort to him. If I ever have been successful in this, it’s because of the example he set.</p><p>Being near Sam was unavoidable, deciding to love him was my choice. I was not familiar with choices for a long time, and I struggled with even small ones more than I will ever care to admit. I would avoid the Winchesters sometimes, too cowardly to admit I didn’t know. I ignored their prayers because I didn’t want to answer challenging questions like, “Would you rather watch <em> Back to the Future </em> or <em> Die Hard </em>?” or “Hey, why don’t you try one of my flannels on?” Deciding to love Sam, however, is easy. How could it not be?</p><p>As I flounder though life, Sam has been a steady anchor. People think I am the invisible force in this family, but I disagree. Sam is on my side even when I can’t see it, and I honestly can’t say that about anyone else. </p><p>Sam’s stubbornness, I realized, is a beautiful thing. Some would say it is his worst quality, but I disagree. His stubbornness had once been evaluated within the light of tragedy, but I believe it should be applied to his unwavering ability to seek the good in all situations. For a life filled with difficulty, calamity, and devastation, Sam seems to believe that maybe if he continued to stubbornly believe in the happy ending it would come to pass by sheer willpower. I had never considered this strategy before, but Sam makes me want to. For someone I once thought of as no more than a vessel for destruction, I have to say that Sam is the most human person I have ever met.</p><p>I used to think what drew me to Sam is that I saw a bit of myself in him. Maybe that’s what made me hate him, too. Now I realize that I don’t see myself in Sam - I see who I would like to be in him. He is the embodiment of hope, strength, and unwavering love. One day I hope to see myself in him.</p>
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